An ad in a local magazine caught my eye recently. It's for a new gentlemen's club in Greensboro. Club Insomnia! Guy Guyerson! WOOSH!
Legs & Eggs buffet. I don't know what to take from that.
And Whatchamacallits.
ZAP
Everyone enjoys a lazy ride home from work after a long day. How could you not enjoy the cool breeze coming in from your open window whilst cruising at 40 miles per hour down a suburban road? Or the abrupt stop from your foot stomping your brake pedal when someone turns right in front of you under a stoplight? How about the realization that you slamming on your brake pedal causes your pedal to sink to the floor, and each time you press on your brakes, they fall down to the same level over and over again? I wanted to purchase new calipers this week, anyways. Sigh.
Enough of that. Moving on.
LIKE A SHINY COIN
Your newest Oiler is left winger Chris Minard. Minard found his way up to Edmonton after playing in the Pittsburgh organization last season. Minard was inked to a one year deal valued at 500K. Crack that lineup. 
Are we done moving and shaking this offseason? Maybe. The longer I see the Heatley debacle unfurl, the less optimistic I am about his future in an Oil sweater. Weeks after Heatley's trade request, Sens captain Daniel Alfredsson talks about how Heatley could still play a viable part in the Senators organization, and that's fine if it's true.
Either way, I'm ready to put it to bed.
FINALLY
Here's the NHL's video for Edmonton's first pick (10th overall) in the '09 draft of your buddy Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson.
Cheers til then.
Captain Joe Sakic hoisting the Big One shortly after Game 4 of the '96 Cup Finals in Sunrise, Florida.
And that's all for Joe. Joe Sakic has finally called it quits after 20 years in the bigs. Sakic has done it all- he's won two Cups in 1996 and 2001, he's been the captain of the Nordiques / Avalanche franchise since he split time with Steven Finn in the early 90s, and he's been a class guy throughout. I'm not sure if this will keep him from playing in the Winter Olympics in January, but if it does, it's been a good time watching you, Joe. 
That's pre-1992 there.
FEELS GOOD, MAN
Just give him the belt, man!
68 dogs in ten minutes. I thought he might have 65, or 66 in him. Nay nay, sir. Joey gets 68 dogs and buns in ten minutes. The man's a machine, the man's a thrasher. Stay out of his way. Joey retains the mustard yellow belt for the third consecutive year, defeating rival Takeru Kobayashi by 3.5 dogs in this year's Nathan's finals. Can the man be stopped? Dapper Pat Bertoletti finished third with mind numbing 55.
Full results here.
WHO'S OVER THE CAP?
Photo from Senators.com
Alexei Kovalev has signed a two year deal valued at $10 million total. While that's all fine and dandy, this move puts Ottawa a bit over the salary cap. Someone's got to go.
And I've still got a dollar that it's Dany Heatley. Wherever he goes, he's going. Rumours swirling about include a package deal with Heatley and Jason Smith heading to Oiltown for a trio of players, but it's all hubbub at this point.
Heatley-Horcoff-Hemsky sounds kinda nice though. 
And sign Kotalik for a song. Is it October yet?
PREDICTIONS
Here's a guesstimate for tomorrow's totals at Coney Island. These are not to be used for prop betting, as we all know my track record when I bet.
64.5 Joey "Jaws" Chestnut
63.5 Takeru Kobayashi
46.5 Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti
46 Tim "Eater X" Janus
39 "Humble" Bob Shoudt
37 Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas
36 Eric "Badlands" Booker
33 Rich "The Locust" LeFevre
32.5 Hall "Hoover" Hunt
31.5 Tim "Gravy" Brown
30 Erik "The Red" Denmark
29 Juliet Lee
28.5 Marco "Mongo" Marquez
24.5 Crazy Legs Conti
23 Peter "Pretty Boy" Davekos
22.5 Micah "Wing Kong" Collins
22 Sean "Flash" Gordon
20.5 "Buffalo" Jim Reeves
8.5 Bob Cocadrillo (winner of the NYC Police/Fire seat)
I'm predicting that Joey ekes out another win. Joey has that competitive fire in him, and it'll take all of what Kobayashi has in order to come out on top. No pressure, guys and gals. Expecting bigger than 26 from Bertoletti, and a couple less than 50 from Tim Janus. Good luck, and go get 'em.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND
Meet Nikolai Khabibulin. He's gonna be hanging around here for the next four years.
A need is addressed. The Oilers, fresh from losing Dwayne Roloson to the Islanders earlier in the day have inked former Blackhawks goaler Nikolai Khabibulin to a 4 year / $15 million dollar deal. Khabibulin, who won the Stanley Cup in 2004 with Tampa, is coming off a pretty good year that saw him go 25-8-7 en route to the Western Conference Finals. Just stop the puck, baby.
Kyle Brodziak was dealt with a pick to the Wild for two picks. No word on Dany Heatley.
AND WE'RE BACK
It's good to be back from Buffalo. Caught up with some old folks, saw some buildings that are all but ripped down, and had a drink with my father at the Pink shortly before he took me to the airport.
I had a class reunion during that time. This one sentence should encapsule the excitement felt all around.
There's much to dish about. Like, when the hell are the Oilers (read: not likely) gonna get Marian Hossa?
Happy Canada Day!
LIKE THE LOTTERY, BUT WITH WORSE ODDS
Image from Puck Daddy
Alright, let's see this through. You want out of Ottawa, so a deal gets set up for you right as the UFA period begins. All you have to do is say "okay".
But you don't. As a matter of fact, you turn the deal down. Must not be that bad in Ottawa, eh Dany?
YES, the trade was to the Oilers. Sour grapes on my part? Probably. Tough.
**Bob McKenzie reports at TSN that the deal is currently "on hold". Maybe it'll go through. I don't have my rose-coloured glasses on however. Whatever.
It's July 1st, and that usually means you're in for a crappy GIS complied bitmap of unrestricted free agents. Well, it's not gonna happen this year. Wait, I can see you're in shock. 
Here's a tiny picture of Dwayne Roloson to hold you over. Last I heard, Edmonton offered him $3 million to hang around one more season. I read that he wanted a 'multi year deal' somewhere. I find this somewhat unlikely given the man's 39 years of age. Roli, if you pack it in, it was great having you in Edmonton during your tenure. Hope you're hanging around for another year.
That being said, I think if Roli jets, I'm looking at you, Craig Anderson.
Other NHL related brain spatter - Scott Gomez to the Canadiens, Rob Blake's in for another year in San Jose, the Flyers acquired Chris Pronger, the Flames swung a deal for Jay Bouwmeester and locked him up for the next five years.
Joe Sakic still doesn't know what he wants to do. I hear Chris Chelios can be had for a song. If there's anything earth shattering, I'm sure I'll chide it up.
Set your DVR for the Nathan's Famous finals at 12 noon on Saturday. For America, it's gonna be a gut busting weekend, with lots of beers, brats and blowing shit up. Get ready.
UNTIL THEN
Goodnight, pitchman.
